Happiest One Birthday, Layla Zulaykha!

I've been delaying this birthday post for almost two years. HAHA.

Let's make it a throwback.

It was in November 2017, my daughter had completed her 12 months of development stages. I, on the other hand, had been a mom for 12 months as well. 

Like I said previously, there were so many things going on in November (in my family), so, I decided to throw a birthday party at my sister's place. She was so glad to cook for us and yay, we had a wonderful and sweet mini birthday party on that day. Thank you.

So, happy birthday to all of us! The November-December born (particularly to my little one, Layla Zulaykha) :)

I was planning on a black and white themed party but as usual, my sister was like...What? LOL.

So yeah, I bought a unicorn theme party pack on Shopee but still, stick to some element of black color (the Chuck Taylor of course) - resembling Avril Lavigne. :p

We've been eating brownies for like 3 weeks straight in that fine month! LOL.

She'd just walked a few days before.

Thank you for the 'black Chuck Taylor babies' dream party!

Abaikan zaman gendut itu. 

Happy Birthday, Layla Zulaykha! :)

p/s: Thanks faghiss, tunaikan impian makyong pakai shoes hi-cut item tu. :p

Qada' dan Qadar Ku

For these past few months, my life was horribly terrible. 

I have to accept that, my marriage has come to an end. I have to accept that, I am such a failure to my child. I have failed to give her a normal and perfect family.

This divorce is killing me as I cannot stop feeling sorry for her. 

I am so weak and not strong enough to stand up for her.

I am sorry for being so selfish.

Somehow, I need to stand up for myself.

Words cannot really describe what I felt inside right now.

I turn on the radio, I turn on the tv but it seems did not hit the spot.

Tonight, as I keep searching for reducing this pain, Alhamdulillah. 

I will recover soon. 

I am truly sorry for taking him away from you for each meal, for each breakfast, for each lunchtime, and for our dinner as well as supper. Please do forgive me.

It's just that, I hate to keep the arguments forever, in front of you.

I hate to keep us waiting for him each Friday night.

I hate to think about how afraid I was to give you a brother or a sister.

I hate to see your eyes, staring at someone else's dad...thinking of where is yours.

I hate to think about giving him time to take us away.

I hate to live to wait for someone that took a very long time to keep his promises since you were born.

I am sorry for being such a horrible mom to you.

Maybe, this is my Qada' and Qadar.

Please forgive me someday.

BILA TIBA

Saat tiba nafas di hujung hela, mata tinggi tak sanggup bicara

mulut terkunci tanpa suara

bila tiba saat berganti dunia, 

alam yang sangat jauh berbeda.

siapkah kita menjawab semua pertanyaan

bila nafas akhir berhenti sudah, jantung hati pun tak berdaya

hanya menangis tanpa suara.

mati tak bisa untuk kau hindari, tak mungkin bisa engkau lari

ajalmu pasti menghampiri

mati tinggal menunggu saat nanti, ke mana kita bisa lari

kita pastikan mengalami mati

mati tinggal menunggu saat nanti, ke mana kita bisa lari

kita pastikan mengalami mati.

❤

https://ikimfm.my/perancangan-allah-itu-takdir/

Rapuh, opick.

detik waktu terus berjalan, berhias gelap dan terang...

suka dan duka, tangis dan tawa

tergores bagai lukisan.

seribu mimpi, berjuta sepi, 

hadir bagai teman sejati.

di antara lelahnya jiwa, dalam resah dan air mata

kupersembahkan kepada mu, 

yang terindah dalam hidupku.

meski ku rapuh dalam langkah

kadang tak setia kepada mu,

namun cinta dalam jiwa, hanyalah padamu.

maafkanlah bila hati tak sempurna mencintaiMu.

dalam dada kuharap hanya, diriMu yang bertakhta.

maafkanlah bila hati tak sempurna mencintaiMu.

dalam dada kuharap hanya, diriMu yang bertakhta.

detik waktu terus berlalu, semua berakhir padaMu.

...

Wallahua'lam.

....

❤

Morning Stroll with him, her and her.

Hola.

So, the planning of deleting or deactivating my blog has been cancel. I really enjoy using Blogger since forever. 

What does it like to be with a husband and a daughter on weekends?

I still remember that, when we were dating back years, I used to pick him up at his uncle's house - just to have someone to talk to while enjoying my breakfast. I never expected that, I am still doing it again.

It was so wonderful to actually drive in the morning, enjoying the windy morning, put on the sunglasses, have some breakfast, sometimes we were having breakfast in McDonalds, and sometimes, we were heading to our local breakfast place to have our famous local food, 'roti canai' and 'nasi lemak'. Well, sometimes, I just love the 'bihun goreng' with fried egg! 

I'm getting sleepy right now and just wanted to share some of my memories in here.

This is me and my baby girl in my high school.

Alright then, will write again soon. See ya!

Love from,

United Kingdom. Malaysia.

Our Breastfeeding Journey : Part One

Breastfeeding according to me.

...

Hope the wound heals but it never does

That's cause you're at war with love, You're at war with love 

These battle scars don't look like they're fading

Don't look like they're ever going away

They ain't never gonna change

These battle.

Never let a wound ruin me, but I feel like ruin's wooing me

Arrow holes, they never close from Cupid on a shooting spree

Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me

but when you're trying to beat the odds up,

been trying to keep your nods up

and you know that you should know, and let her go, but the fear of the unknown

Hold another lover strong, sends you back into the zone

with no Tom Hanks to bring you home

a lover not a fighter, on the front line with a poem

trying to write yourself a rifle, maybe sharpen up a stone

to fight the tanks and drones of you being alone.

I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched.

I wish that I could stop loving you so much ❤

Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together

When all of the signs say that I should forget her.

I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had

I wish that the good outweighed the bad

cause it'll never be over,

until you tell me it's over ❤

these battle scars don't look like they're fading, don't look like they're ever going away

they ain't never gonna change, these battle scars don't look like they're fading

don't look like they're ever going away, they ain't never gonna change,

these battle.

then just leave then

You shouldn't have but you said it, and I hope you never come back

it shouldn't have happened but you let it

"Now you're down on the ground screaming medic,

the only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses..."

Shields, body armors and vests don't properly work, that's why you're in a locker full of hurt. 

the enemy within and all the fires from your friends

the best medicine's to probably just let it win.

...cause you set me on fire, I've never felt so alive.

No, hoping wounds heal but it never does, that's because you're at war with love.

and I'm at the point of breaking, and it's impossible to shake it.

these battle.

Battle Scars, Guy Sebastian feat. Lupe Fiasco.

Our First Outing

Hi there!

Yesterday I decided to bring along my two months old daughter to accompany me buying some stuff. 

The day we arrived at home, it was the moment I had just realized that I forgot to get something for me as a new mom. Indeed, purchasing stuff is quite important in order to motivate myself.

I was like suffering from Postpartum Depression. The moment I paid for the sandals I was dreaming for, was the moment I realized that, this time, I paid with a baby with me at the payment counter.

The moment I entered the bookstore was the moment when I felt so warmth and welcome. I loved books and I loved the smell of a new book. I forgot that bookstore helped me to reduce stress and keep me alive. The day when he said I had to find myself, I was thinking about the last time I was having my own 'me time' alone. 

Slowly, I whispered, I love to shop alone cause it gave me a sense of independent without having to ask for someone else's opinion. When I shop, I love to ask the sales advisor to help me in choosing the right style for me. They are sales advisor, trust me, they speak the whole truth about customer and thats why I never feel regret asking for their opinion - but, not the kind that obviously promoting the item. Excellent sales advisor advice people on what did look good on their customer and not just selling things. Trust me, I was a sales advisor once and all my customer asked for were "Honestly, what is your opinion if I buy this stuff. Does it look good on me?" Well, I'm kinda enjoying it. The "okay, if you want my personal and honest opinion, you should try this..."

When a sales advisor looks good, the customer will definitely put their confident on us. Looks good here means, we wear the right color, the right size and how confident we are in that outfit that we decided to put on every single morning. We even picked a theme for tomorrow's outfit! (Really miss that moment...)

I forgot to take a deep breath before I drove off to the mall bringing my two months old daughter. My heart was pumping and I thought, placing her besides me so that I could watch her was practically distracting. Her seat was at the back. She was more comfortable sitting at the back. Thank you for signaling your distress to me. It was like she was saying "mom, please focus on your driving and let me enjoy my ride." Thanks honey.

It was kinda fun to drive her along the road but it was quite funny when she did cried when the car stopped moving - of course at the red traffic light! Driving alone was fun since I was able to enjoy my favourite songs but driving with a baby, she did made me laugh! Haha! Never thought she really enjoy the ride and even cried when the car stopped moving. I even took the long passage while driving home just to give her a little time to enjoy sleeping in a moving car.

See this sign? It means, parents are inside, carefully driving their kids who are their biggest liability ever.
Please consider the newborn human being inside before honking or beaming. Thank you.

I even got a brilliant idea that we should enforced stickers like this to be put on every vehicle to indicate why the driver was driving in 'that way' - too slow, too fast, etc. So that we don't get mad and frustrated on the road and turning our head back just to see who was the driver and wondering why he was driving too slow! Am I right? Well, at least it helps and I believe it really helps to reduce our curiosity.

Soon as we arrived at the mall's parking lot, I nursed her. Once I nursed her, I had two hours to shop until the next feed. Meaning, I was able to shop with a not-so-fussy baby in within this precious two hours. Haha!

Hours passed by and...believe it or not, I did got us few items while pushing a stroller! That was amazing! AMAZING, I AM AN AMAZING MOM! PRETTY AMAZING!

AMAZING!

Good job, Sharifah Mastura! LOL!

As the 'coolest mom in her heart', I rewarded myself these stuffs! Can't wait to wear them (I used to address my shoes as 'babies' and now I have the real one! HAHAHAHA) My shoes should be called 'my babes' from now on. Heck yeah!

Before heading home, I decided to stop by the baby room since I never been there except for our second visit at the community clinic. So, the baby room here was so cool especially the diaper changing station!

Congratulations! Now you are the coolest kid in town! Haha!
I was wondering, if I was still a baby, I am definitely love this station! It looks so comfy.
I would scream "this is the most comfort zone in my whole entire life!"

Well done, daughter! You are now one of us! Meaning, you are officially part of the modern society!  Welcome to our culture! HAHA. (Apalah yang Ummi mengarut ni Zulaykha...)

Just got too excited because Ummi can write your name inside! 'This book belongs too...'
Your first book ever!
(About this, I was actually the one who enjoys story books! Never thought children story books are the best!)

I was not born with a 'natural mother' personality and I believed by reading this book will help me in my motherhood journey. Besides, He says "Iqra', with the name of Allah." I read to seek knowledge.
Zulaykha, remember the importance of reading. Ummi loves to read. Reading is wonderful ya.

...

I was starving and we stopped at Truly Two for a drink.

I am so sorry for ruining your new onesies with the Nutella Lovey Dovey milkshake stain!

Oh ya. The hardest thing going out with baby was choosing the most practical place to dine in. I mean, the restaurant or cafe must be not too crowd and the very best option was just few people inside. That way, when she is being fussy, Ummi wasn't so worry to calm you down. Less eye contact, less nervous...the lesser, the better! So, please avoid eye contact with people around when you bring your baby outside! Haha! People around will definitely stare at you and your kid. Definitely.

Another tip is, play it cool and respect the staffs (ALL STAFF whether you are in a restaurant, cafe etc.) Trust me, you are not the first customer with kids. They knew better and if they offered you help, smile and thanked them. Some of them did experienced the situations. They had a family just like us.

Some of them might taught you secrets about babies too. (:

HOME. Finally...

At least she seems happy. Thanks anakku.

We went to bed earlier since both of us were too tired and Zulaykha might be overstimulated and overtired as she became fussy before going to bed. Maybe it was because I ate less yesterday and she woke up every two hours to be nursed. I'm sorry but I sure we both enjoy our first outing together. Alhamdulillah...

Goodnite Anak. Thank you ❤

With love,

Ummi.