Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. In the name of Allah s.w.t.
Starting from this point of time, maybe this is the last post about breastfeeding since my husband decided to wean our breastfeeding process.
This is my major breakdown since this is the happiest memory in my whole entire life, to watch my baby suckling for milk in order to survive. It is very frustrated to not doing our routine anymore. I super hate this weaning process. SUPER DUPER HATE THIS WEANING PROCESS and yes, it's like I am an insane person for not continuing our breastfeeding routine anymore.
On the other side, as I failed to take care of my breastfeeding well-balance diet, I surrender my baby to let her grandma to take care of her. It is extremely hurt to watch her drinking her milk through bottle and it was not my milk. Extremely frustrating.
Extremely frustrating. Never wish to wean at this point of time but for medical reason, I need to survive my life without my baby around. So freaking sad. So freaking hate my life.
Somehow, I need to be strong. How am I going to be strong when I am the weakest person on earth?
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Do you know the feeling when I look at her eyes, to feed her under my shirt, to have her in my arms, skin to skin contact, for five months. I am extremely insane for unable to nurse her anymore. The term nursing mom has gone, gone forever. I hate me.
So weak that I could not stand up like a reasonable man. I lost my sense of balance. I lost myself. I couldn't find who am I.
When the world seems to mock me, seems to laugh at me, seems to be crazy, I feel like I am such a biggest loser, such an insane person, I lost my gold, I lost my diamond, I lost everything in my life. Money cannot buy my happiness, my sense of rationale, I lost it all - my lovely memories of breastfeeding. I miss our skin to skin contact. I misses her. I miss her in our nursing blanket. I miss we've been together.
The fact that I smile in pride while looking at other moms preparing formula for their kids, had totally gone. I feel so down right now. It's like, this is the end of the world. Breaking up with boyfriend, is not similar with this kind of relationship. NOPE. It's like losing someone, losing someone that I held in my arms for 30 days divided 5 months times hours. Million hours holding her in my arms and now she's not there, in her cot.
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Hmm...dear baby abah, Cik Layla, ummi rindukan kamu. Ummi harap adik tak lupa waktu kita sama-sama dalam nursing room, dalam kereta, ke mana sahaja ummi pergi, ummi bawa awak. Waktu ummi exam, ummi stop sekejap untuk nursing awak. Ummi sedih sebab kita terpaksa berpisah macam ini. Maafkan ummi ya sayang. I love you so much ❤❤❤ Doakan kita sama-sama kuat, tapi adik kuat lagi daripada ummi. Sedapkan susu yang tepat suhunya dan kita sama-sama berusaha untuk suatu tempoh penyusuan yang tersangatlah bahagia! I love you sayang ummi!!! (Nak jerit boleh tak supaya adik dengar, takpe biar ummi jerit dalam hati, okay? Mmmmuah!)
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Yeah...this right here, goes out, to everyone,
that has lost someone that they truly loved.
Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show,
I laced the track, you locked the flow,
So far from hanging on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that life ain't always what it seems to be.
Words can't express what you mean to me
even though you're gone, we still a team,
through your family, I'll fulfill your dream.
In the future, can't wait to see,
if you'll open up the gates for me.
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend baby
try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal.
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living your life, after death this.
Every step I take, every move I make
every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinking of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break,
I'll be missing you
I miss you Big baby
It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smiling down
Watching us while we pray for you
every day we pray for you
'til the day we meet again
in my heart is where I'll keep you friend baby
Memories give me the strength I need
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big baby I just can't define
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks
you and me taking flicks
Making hits, stages they receive you on
Still can't believe you'r gone,
give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living your life, after death this.
Somebody tell me why
One glad morning, when this life is over
I know, I'll see your face.
every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take,
Every day that passes.
Every move I make, every single day,
is a day that I get closer to seeing you again,
every night I pray, every step I take,
We miss you Big baby...and we won't stop.
Every step I take, every move I make,
every single day, every time I pray,
I'll be missing you.
Thinking of the day, when you went away,
What a life to take, what a bond to break,
I'll be missing you.
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I LOVE YOU!
